My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
