god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
