At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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