it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Your cock deserves a montage
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
