Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
