Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
