i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Less talking, more tequila
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize