The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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