I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
