You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
