i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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