And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
