Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Randomize
