So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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