I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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