I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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