okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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