my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just want nice things and good sex
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
