If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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