dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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