Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
