Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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