You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
