FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
