good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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