i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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