SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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