I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
