And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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