sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
