I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
