I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
