Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
