I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize