I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize