WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
