i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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