yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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