At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
