If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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