Are we in a gay sports bar?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He shit in the fireplace
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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