I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
