Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
