just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
