Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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