I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
