Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize