Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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