Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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