I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
