I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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