You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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