We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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