when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
