the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
