NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
