There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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